OLIGARCH KAREN (The Confessions of Elon Musk) I’m fighting the woke mind virus blighting our mental health like the legs of Miley Cyrus and the redistribution of wealth To smite every blustering Judas smothering the free market’s drive I plight my troth to a doddering doofus for to keep my profits alive Yes, I threw in with a dim-witted cretin craving my fortune to fellate Safeguarding my assets and freedom, I iced the king of corruption’s cake I never fit in and never ever will, but I’m living the dream now in Muskville where a pile of money trumps a creep’s moon-face and the world’s my oyster, now all mine to take When you start to shine like a mine of gold, the girls go blind and you go bold That’s how Don and me got to be all the rage, how now I’m “first buddy” on the Mar-a-Lago stage Don’t know much about history, America to me’s a mystery... Went for Obama and Hillary, voted Biden in 2020 then backed DeSantis in 2023, so ha-ha hee-hee and whoopie do do dee… for democracy To have that much silver, you gotta know how to pilfer and talk up autocracy while you bow to the king Gotta be soft on plutocracy to fund a budding theocracy and kiss the poxy ring of a bloated quisling It takes a special kind of rat to be a multibillionaire to from your habitat extract a billion times your share while spewing your seed like some patriarchal tool a Mormon gone old school with a concubine pool I know I make ‘em jealous and they call me Space Karen They say I’m walling up my kids in a haven for my harem Deep in the heart of Texas, they say I’ve gone Branch Davidian dancing in the dusk redness to the beat of the blood meridian But I say there’s a crisis of fathering we have to solve if we ever want humanity to properly evolve Smart people have to have a hell of a lot more babies or the country will be had by childless cat-ladies “It should be considered a national emergency to have kids” to make America great again and keep it off the skids Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it God told us to fructify, just as I too did intuit “A collapsing birth rate is the biggest danger civilization faces” not rape, racial hate, and climate changers or surging measles cases Not violence done to women, exploding inequality or fat cat frank cupidity Not violence done to the earth or the latest wave of mossback rank stupidity Don’t you know we haven’t eaten all we can eat? We still got rivers to swill and whole forests to reap! We gotta let our passions flow, let cities like cancer grow and fornicate sans precautions or we’ll be up the creek More worker ants in the formicary to build our machines! More soldier ants for the herd to carry our beloved hive-plant queens! Step up to the plate and overpopulate, it’s high time to pass on your genes To dodge a geriatric end times fate, mama, time to spawn by any means It takes a real dickhead to make that much bread and a world gone wrong to let him go at it so long It takes a soul cold as snow to make that much dough and a cult leader kind of putz to sire that many mutts It takes a special kind of rat to be a multibillionaire to from your habitat extract a billion times your share while spewing your seed like some patriarchal tool a Mormon old school fool with a concubine pool